This back and forth is what's killing me.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could just pick one thing and stick with it, but I'm constantly going back and forth and it's absolute torture. This dichotomy will destroy me.

Jess texted me today. It was really good to hear from her, but I'm scared to respond. What if she knows? I hope she doesn't, but there's a good chance she found out. I don't wanna face that. I ran away to avoid facing that. But I miss them all so much and I really wanna see them in the spring. I just want them all to love me still and not find out what an awful person I am.

Today was a pretty good restricting day. Could've been better, but the fast yesterday really did help kick me into gear. The crazy thing was, I woke up this morning feeling absolutely fine. Like, I've fasted before and I always wake up the next day feeling absolutely AWFUL. But I guess my body must be getting used to it or something because this morning, I was like, I can totally keep going with this! But I didn't. In fact, I think I was a little TOO excited that today was my day I was allowed to eat... lol. Anyway, I think next week I'll go for a two-day fast, then three day the next week, and so on. Keep stepping it up. I don't know if I wanna go TOO far, though, cuz I really don't wanna destroy my metabolism... I dunno. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, this is what I had today:

The Bad:
A few pieces of Peppermint Bark (weakness)
A piece of chocolate (bad)
A small Gingerbread cookie (awful)
A small handful of Skittles
A small piece of cheesecake (bad)
A few pieces of cheese

Luckily, the bad stuff wasn't as bad as it could've been. I've done worse. Especially because I SO felt like, OMG I JUST WANT TO BINGE. But I didn't. I calmly had a glass of water, and let myself have a few treats to get it out of my system.

The good:
An egg-white omelet with garlic, tomatoes, a little cheese, and 5 pepperonis
A cup on Onion Soup
A cup of tea w/ one 1 tsp of sugar
Sugar-Free Rockstar

The stupid thing is, that I didn't even need or really enjoy this bad stuff. Like, I totally could've gone with it. Even some of the good stuff, like the cheese and pepperonis, and the sugar in the tea.

Oh well. Today was not awful. And tomorrow will be better.

I'm down to 139!!! I'm so excited!!! I'm only 9 lbs. above by STGW of 130 by New Year's Day. That's about 17 days to lose 9 lbs... about 1/2 a pound every day... I can so do that!

I'm fasting today, and so far it's going really well. I'm so proud of myself for not eating any donuts or candy or cookies this morning at work... and there's cheesecake in my fridge which I haven't touched either!!! I'm going to get through this fast, and it's gonna kick my butt into gear for the rest of the 17 days.

I feel like my whole life is ruled by numbers. If not the numbers on the scale, it's the numbers on the clock, or the numbers on my paycheck. The numbers dictate what I can and can't do. Mostly what I can't do. The numbers are my boss. They're the ones in control, not me. I'm just wandering around blind and stupid and they tell me what to do.

Mom has to work today, so once she goes in, I'll basically have the place to myself. That means, I can get away with not eating dinner, I can go running, walk the dog, exercise, everything without having to worry.

I'd better not fuck it up.

I changed my MySpace layout and it looks hella-awesome.

I also found Liz on MySpace and talked to her a little. That's super-exciting. I love that girl to death.

All the dogs left early today so I was out of work by 6:25. It would've worked out perfectly because I was gonna go to the choir concert tonight, but when I got there, it was a orchestra concert instead. The choir concert is tomorrow. But it was free, so I stayed anyway.

And, I found a bunch of CO girls on proanorexia. Hooray.

The Christmas party fucking sucked. I ate so much and I feel so disgusting. The worse thing is, I could've been better about it. I could've eaten something like salad or something that wasn't as bad. And I didn't have to eat as much of it. I was doing so well all day, and then it's like, as soon as I stepped into the restaurant my mind flew away and I lost all control.

Now I feel so disgusting.

I was so tempted to go and purge, but I didn't wanna do it in a public place with a good chance of one of my co-workers walking in.

It was terrible. And the whole time I was sitting there, and I felt like everyone was watching me, thinking, "I can't believe she's fucking eating all that! She's so fucking fat! She has no control. How disgusting!"

Seriously... that was going through my mind.

Fasting all day tomorrow. Maybe Monday too. And I need to exercise my ass off. I think I'm gonna go running tomorrow. I haven't gone running in such a long fucking time. I'm gonna suck.

xo-Katelynn

So I just found out that a large apple has like 125 calories!!! WTF??? I seriously thought they had way less. I was sitting there eating my apple, and it was delicious, and thinking that it wouldn't make a difference. But holy fuck. I may as well have drank a soda or something.

On top of everything, my ex-boyfriend is messing with me again. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. But I'm seriously fucking annoyed. I need to go work out or something.

xo-Kate

mood: annoyed

DAY ONE:

-Current Stats-
Age: 19
Height: 5' 4.75"
Weight: 145 lbs.

Bust: 36.25"
Waist: 37"
Hips: 39"
Biceps: 11.75"
Left Thigh: 24.25"
Right Thigh: 23.75"
Left Calf: 14.75"
Right Calf: 14.5"

POINTS:

Calories Consumed: 851
POINTS: 0

Calories Burned by Exercise: 346
POINTS: 2

Water Consumed: 60 oz.
POINTS: 3

TOTAL: 5

Not the best start ever, but decent, I guess. Hope you all did better!!!

xo-Katelynn

There's actually a community for people who work at Domino's: noid_the_rabbit

That just may be the most hilarious thing I've ever heard of.

mood: amused music: "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks

Today is going to be SWEET. (I say that like it's early in the morning... however, I woke up only about 2 hours ago.

ANYWAY... I have the house all to myself since Dad's at work, Brittany won't be home till after 3 I think, and even then, she'll prolly leave soon after, and Justin's in Denver. I have the night off of, and I'm basically (other than the computer and the TV) shutting myself off from the world. If anyone calls or comes over I'm not going out unless it's something AWESOME. Or someone that I haven't seen in a while. Both of these aren't likely to happen though. The only thing that's likely to happen is Jessica coming over, and I need a break from her anyway.

I really need a break from pretty much the whole world. All my time is spent either working or going out with friends. Now, I like going out, don't get me wrong, it's way better than being home by yourself all the time. But once in a while I just need some downtime. I haven't had any ME time in forever. I also haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with my family, which I need to do too.

I'm gonna make some SWEET CDs. My brother figured out how to hook up like 10 speakers to my computer... Bohemian Rhapsody sounds SWEET coming out of 10 different speakers!

mood: calm music: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Lindsey just came over. She, Jessica, and Erin bought my mom's old washer and dryer for their apartment like a month ago, but we haven't been able to figure out a way to get it from here to there. I guess she got her grandpa's van or something though, so she just came over today to pick them up.

Lindsey's such a sweetheart. She's such a fun person to be around. She's very honest and genuine. She's one of those people that's just interested in making other people feel happy and welcome. I'm really gonna miss her when I go to school. I'm gonna miss all the new friends I've met this summer. Lindsey, Erin, Adrienne (my favorite), Katie, and all my other friends from church. I'm just beginning to get to know them and now I have to leave.

It kind of feels like the end of senior year, when I started hanging out all the time with Sam, Darlene, Melissa, and Mark. I was finally accepted into their close group. We were finally becoming really close and then school ended and now we never see each other any more. It's pretty depressing. I need to make every effort possible to keep in touch with my new friends. In fact, I also need to get back in touch with my friends from school. I bet if I called them they'd want to hang out. We could go bowling or something... it'd be fun. At least with Darlene and Melissa. Sam doesn't want anything to do with me, so whatever... And from what Mark said when I hung out with him after the Harry Potter party, most of them don't even hang out anymore. He doesn't hang out with Sam, and I guess he and Darlene broke up or something. So the group kinda fell apart. Melissa and Darlene prolly still hang out though, unless they're fighting...

mood: morose